So I’m Late With This One Jimmy Fallon

by aheasley

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Re: Who’s Getting Chin Implants? 

To: koleery@nouveauaesthetics.com

From: nottaylorhicks@gmail.com

Dear Ms. Kati O’Leery: 

Before I make my chief complaint, let me say I hold no grudges, and wish you and yours a delightful weekend! The wife and I plan to splurge on potato salad (her mother’s recipe), and of course, tinker in my garage (wink-wink). Now that I’ve dispensed with the pleasantries, I’ll get on with it. If you know me, and most people who don’t remember The Great Johnny Carson do, you know I appreciate a good joke as much as any guy. That being said, you can’t be serious with the “Why are chin implants the fastest growing plastic surgery in 2011 with a 76-percent increase over the past year?” and the “Our board-certified plastic surgeons can give you The Clooney or The Schwarzenegger!” At first, I did what the kids today do: I LOL’d at your e-mail. A plastic surgery practice soliciting me, the comedian with pathologic mandibular prognathism, about not Botox, not rhinoplasty, but wait for it, wait for it: Chin. Implants. It’s pretty funny stuff. I admit, I texted Conan to congratulate him for yanking my chain. He replied with something about autocorrect being a dirty whore, and as usual, I didn’t follow. The wife filled me in on the pitfalls of autocorrect later, and while the dots still didn’t quite connect, I figured even Coco wasn’t that pathetic. Right about then your e-mail started to cheese me off. Young people are dying every day in Afghanistan. Global Warming is the likely culprit of the worst wildfire season in Colorado’s history. Anyone can buy six-thousand rounds of ammo online, no questions asked. Fifty-three percent of Americans oppose the Individual Mandate. The Eurozone unemployment rate is at a record high. With the current shit-storm a-swirling, it might seem sad that a “legitimate e-mail” about chin implants would or should ignite outrage, but I’m writing to tell you that you can shove your “legitimate e-mail” about chin implants up your augmented ass cheeks. I’m proud of my God-given chin. You know what they say about men with big chins, don’t you? Well, if you don’t, then you might want to look into vaginal rejuvenation. To tell you the truth, I’m sick to death of all the ridicule, and sicker to death of all the vanity. People like you who peddle BEAUTY by WÜSTHOF should take a long look in the mirror that is your vapid soul. Do you recall what happened to The Evil Queen in Snow White? (The Grimm version, not that Disney crap, and she most certainly did not have Charlize Theron’s chin.) Apologies for being a spoiler, but they forced her to wear red-hot (not sexy) iron slippers (not Louis Vuittons) and dance (not crunk) until she dropped dead (because, wait for it, wait for it: immortality is a fucking farce). 

Warmest Regards, 

Not Taylor Hicks

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